Ten Players Who Are
Not Jerry West
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| Is this Jerry West? Why doesn't he have a face? |
Despite a career that included All-Star berths in all 14 of
his seasons, 13 20+ PPG years, 47% shooting as a point guard in the NBA’s
“don’t take good shots” era, and career averages of 27/6/7, Jerry West is best
remembered as the silhouette featured in the NBA logo. Jerry West has had an extremely lucrative
post-playing career as a silhouette, also being used for the WNBA’s logo, the
former MLS logo, and even renting out his 12th century Teutonic
shield for the NFL’s logo. All that
silhouetting has come at a price, sadly: few really know all that much about
Jerry West as a basketball player and fewer still could recognize him if a gun
was put to their head[1].
West did all sorts of noteworthy things in his playing
career, even if much of it has been lost to the sands of time. He is the only player to have been named NBA
Finals MVP despite playing on the losing team: in 1969[2],
West averaged 38 PPG and hit the 40-point mark four times as the Lakers lost to
the Celtics in seven games. He has two
of the 27 50-point playoff games in history, one of only four players with more
than one. That wasn’t even his most
impressive playoff performance, as West averaged 41/6/5 in the 1965 playoffs.
West also put up over 30 PPG in four separate NBA
seasons. While steals were only recorded
for his final NBA season as an official stat, West was a known ball hawk,
averaging somewhere between one and 700 every year in his career,
probably. He put up the biggest games in
the biggest moments of his career, only to have his teammates routinely take
the day off. He once made a 63-foot shot
in an NBA Finals game, unsure if he had used his dribble or not and unwilling
to pass it to John Fucking Tresvant.
However, even more noteworthy than West’s many achievements
are some of the things he was not: particularly, other NBA players. As most people only know West as a faceless
outline from the 1960s, it’s easy to confuse him with other players that also
achieved great things. Maybe even some
that didn’t achieve great things. A lot
of players look like Jerry West’s outline, is what I’m saying.
For instance, Rick Barry.
Rick Barry is not, in fact, Jerry West.
They are totally different players.
Barry was a small forward, a full five inches taller than West. Barry was six years younger than West and
played several hours north of West, for the Golden State Warriors, based in
Goldenstatetown. Sure, both were great
free throw shooters, with West shooting 81% from the line in his career and
Barry 89%, but surely you can see that those are different numbers? They both scored many points, but West’s
career average if 27 PPG is higher than Barry’s of 25. West averaged 6 RPG and 7 APG, not 7 RPG and
5 APG. Clearly, Jerry West was a
different player than Rick Barry.
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| Former NBA All-Star and cousin-marrier Jerry Lucas. |
It is understandable that you would confuse Jerry Lucas for
Jerry West. After all, they are both
named “Jerry.” Keep in mind that they
grew up in the 1950s, a time in which 65% of the male population was named
“Jerry.” Much like Barry, Jerry Lucas
was much taller than Jerry West, at 6’8” to West’s 6’2”. It is very confusing to me how you cannot
tell the difference between two people when they so very clearly are different
sizes. Haven’t you seen them stand next
to each other? Lucas put up an average
of 16 RPG in his career as well, breaking 20 twice. West only broke 8 RPG twice, which you may
notice is half of 16 RPG. Am I saying
that Jerry West was exactly half the person that Jerry Lucas was? Yes, absolutely. After all, Jerry Lucas won one NBA title,
while Jerry West only managed a measly one NBA title. Jerry Lucas shot 49.9% from the field, Jerry
West shot 47.4%, or exactly half of 49.9%.
These are obviously different people.
Another person who was not Jerry West was LaPhonso
Ellis. Ellis never even once averaged 30
PPG, with a career best of 22 in 1996-97.
He averaged a full half a rebound more than West in his career, making
him clearly the superior player. Not
only that, but Ellis made 241 more three-pointers than West while shooting a
robust 30% from beyond the arc. West
never even attempted a three, presumably because he was a scaredy cat. Furthermore, Ellis managed a perfect 1:1 A:TO
ratio in his career. The NBA did not
record turnovers as an individual stat during Jerry West’s career, but he
probably averaged like 10-15 a game.
Jerry West was no LaPhonso Ellis.
Tom Owens, much like most if not all other NBA players, was
not Jerry West either. Again, he was
much taller, measuring at 6’10”. That
should make it very obvious that he was not Jerry West. You really don’t need anything else to prove
it. Have Tom Owens and Jerry West stand
back to back. Better yet, have Tom Owens
hold something important, like a Faberge egg or a box of reduced fat Wheat
Thins above his head. You will notice
that Jerry West is unable to grab the box away from Owens because they are very
different heights. You have now proven that
Tom Owens and Jerry West are different people or, at the very least, that Tom
Owens is a different Jerry West from an alternate universe who was tortured on
the rack during the Spanish Inquisition and only survived due to his Gumby-like
bone structure.
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| "Am I Jerry West?" |
Another player with regular human bones just like Jerry West
was Derek Anderson, who was not Jerry West.
In fact, Derek Anderson was a quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. He played an entirely different sport. He most certainly was not Jerry West.
Unless, of course, you meant the basketball-playing Derek
Anderson. No, he is not Jerry West
either, but that is a much better guess.
Anderson did win an NBA title just like West, but he only played in 24
playoff games in his career. West played
in 153. These numbers being entirely
different, it is easy to see how Anderson and West are not the same
person. Now, was the basketball-playing
Derek Anderson the same as the football-playing Derek Anderson? Of course.
After Anderson averaged under 10 PPG for four straight years, he decided
to move to football, which is just like basketball but players attempt to throw
the ball through a severed foot rather than a basket. Anderson was mildly successful in the NBA,
averaged 12/3/3 while shooting 41%, but he was even MORE mildly successful in
the NFL, where he got to play for the Cleveland Browns and then back up a bunch
of good players.
While Derek Anderson and Derek Anderson are the same person,
Derek Anderson and Jerry West are not.
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| Surprise, it's actually Michael! What a twist! |
Now Kevin Johnson?
THERE’S a player that definitely isn’t Jerry West. Sure, he was almost exactly the same size,
give or take an inch and five pounds. He
also scored a lot while effectively playing point guard, just like West. However, Johnson was much more of a
pass-first player: he averaged over 10 APG four times and had a career average
of 9 APG. Jerry West did not do this, he
only averaged 10 APG twice. Similarly,
Kevin Johnson had five 20 PPG seasons, not 13.
Johnson was also the mayor of Sacramento and did a significantly worse
job at it than West, who was never the mayor of Sacramento nor even knew such a
town existed. It does not.
Mike Glenn may not have known anything about Sacramento
either, though only Mike Glenn knows for sure.
Glenn had 43 blocks in his ten-year career, almost double the amount
Jerry West had in his only block-recording season of play. So really, Glenn is twice the shot-blocker
West ever was. Much like how West played
his entire career for the Los Angeles Lakers, Mike Glenn played for four different
teams and never stayed in one place more than three years. None of those teams were the Los Angeles
Lakers. Hey! That’s a good way to tell the difference
between Mike Glenn and Jerry West! Just
look at their jersey! Are they wearing a
Los Angeles Lakers jersey? They’re
probably Jerry West, but make doubly sure: is it Halloween? Are they crying while insisting that they are
Hall of Famer Jerry West? Is “Lakers”
written in sharpie over the Atlanta Hawks logo?
These are good signs that it may indeed be Mike Glenn. Do not let him fool you! Mike Glenn is a noted trickster, born into
the bloodline of Ananzi but with significantly fewer arms. Glenn only had four arms and was an
embarrassment to his family.
Hasheem Thabeet was also an embarrassment to his family but
was not Jerry West. It could not be more
obvious that Thabeet was not West.
Thabeet was over a foot taller and one of the worst ballbasketers of all
time. You’re getting worse at this.
 |
| Possibly Jerry West. |
Delonte West is a better guess, though there is little
chance you did anything but search for someone named “West,” didn’t you? While West is the same size and played the
same position, he was much worse, only averaging 10 PPG three times and putting
up 10/3/4 in his career. Also, Delonte
West once stuffed a duffel bag full of loaded shotguns and drove around at high
speeds on a motorized tricycle. There is
also a distinct possibility that Delonte West slept with LeBron James’ mother,
something that Jerry West most definitely did not do. Jerry West once got a handy from LeBron’s
mother, sure, but that’s totally different.
There was just one Jerry West in the world, no matter how
many other players may seem like they were Jerry West. Yes, The Logo was a unique individual,
totally different from any other individual.
He earned his Hall of Fame berth with years of excellent play and is one
of the most storied players in the history of basketball. Even as a general manager, he built multiple
NBA champions, winning six titles with the Lakers after signing Shaquille
O’Neal for every dollar in the world and trading for Kobe Bryant.
All this is what makes it so surprising to learn that no, in
fact, Jerry West is NOT Jerry West.
That’s right. There is no Jerry
West: he was never real. Nothing said in
the paragraphs before this ever happened.
The whole time, you were confused, thinking that Jerry West was an NBA
Hall of Famer that had many noteworthy accomplishments. In fact, you were thinking of Evan Turner the
whole time. It was Evan Turner that,
while attending Ohio State University, attended West Virginia University and
led the Mountaineers to the NCAA Final Four.
It was Evan Turner that was drafted second overall in 1960. It was Evan Turner that played his whole
career for the Lakers, all while also playing for the Philadelphia 76ers,
Indiana Pacers, and Boston Celtics. Evan
Turner has done all these things. The
next time someone mentions Jerry West, make sure to correct them, as they too
are thinking of Evan Turner.
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