Friday, February 19, 2016

Shootyhoops Basketmakers: The Clippers


The Storied Greats of the Los Angeles Clippers
Nothing to see here.
The franchise now known as the Los Angeles Clippers has had one of the greatest histories in the history of histories.  History.  Originally formed as the Buffalo Braves in 1970, the Clippers have gone on to post 11 winning seasons total.  That includes two stretches of 12 years without a winning record, as well as a 15-year stretch without making the playoffs.  No one is quite sure what the Clippers did to receive such horrible basketballatory comeuppance, but receive it they did.
The Clippers stand alone in this, reigning supreme as one of the most fascinating franchises in all of pro sports.  No matter the coach, no matter the city, the Clippers have always been bad, proving that there will always be someone worse than you at something.  It is a beautiful comfort to all other basketball teams, allowing men like Adam Morrison to truly believe that they aren’t the worst thing ever.
Even with all this failure in their history, the Clippers have had a handful of notable players[1].  Many all-time greats have worn the Clippers uniform with pride, usually on accident or as some sort of demented joke.  Even so, this is a franchise to be celebrated, for they truly are unique in their history.  No one will ever match what the Clippers have done unintentionally, and for that we love them.  These players, listed in no particular order, have all been a part of this decades-long art piece.  Never forget them nor the sacrifice they have made so that others can feel good about themselves.
Danny Manning: Possibly the most sought-after recruit to choose Kansas since Wilt Chamberlain, Manning differed from Wilt in that he was demonstrably bad at basketball.  Manning’s peak came in 1992-93, when he averaged 23 PPG on 51% shooting.  The Clippers, realizing that Manning may actually have basketball skills, promptly traded him for 25 games of Dominique Wilkins’ rotting corpse.
Benoit Benjamin: Drafted third overall by the Clippers, Benjamin would go on to lead the league in games played in 1995-96 with 83.  Benjamin reached this total by insisting that a zero-point, one-rebound performance on January 12 did not count and that a do-over was in order.  Eagle-eyed viewers may notice that Benjamin was no longer a member of the Clippers when this occurred.  This is how memorable Benoit Benjamin’s Clippers career was.
"So basketball...right there?"
Eric Piatkowski: Despite constant bullying from the middle school population of the Los Angeles area, Piatkowski persevered and ended his career with more three-pointers than any Clipper in history.  He played nine seasons for the Clippers, never winning more than 39 games in a season (and even that just once).  Before entering the NBA, he was named Mr. Basketball in South Dakota, meaning he was the only high school senior in the state over six-feet tall.  He then played for the University of Nebraska.  This means that Piatkowski was the only man in NBA history to enter the league with the Clippers and see it as a noticeable improvement in his team’s talent level.  It also marked the first time Piatkowski had ever seen a black person.
Michael Cage: The most Jherri-curled NBA player of all time, Cage averaged double-digit scoring just three times in his career.  In the two of those years he played for the franchise, the Clippers were a combined 29-135.  Cage did have a 17-point, 19-rebound, 7-steal, 4-block game in 1988, which would have been exceptionally impressive had the Clippers not lost the game by 15.  That hair though.
Mike Dunleavy: The longest-tenured coach in Clippers history, Dunleavy coached for six and a half years.  He is the only Clippers coach to make it to the five-year mark and one of three to make it past three years.  Dunleavy’s longevity has been largely explained away by Donald Sterling being really, really racist.  He did have a winning record once though, which is more than 19 other Clippers coaches can say!
Always stretch before you moustache.
James Edwards: I bet you forgot that James Edwards had played for the Clippers.  You are a fool!  James Edwards played for every professional sports team in America, past, present, and future.  James Edwards is the allfather.  Kneel before him.
Blake Griffin: Unquestionably the greatest Clipper of all-time, Griffin still has plenty of time left for his career to be ruined and/or continue on another, better team.  Griffin’s career averages of 21/10/4 as of 2015 will only make it all the more hilarious when he is traded to the Houston Rockets for the draft rights to Rafael Araujo despite these draft rights no longer being applicable.  Being a Clipper, Griffin also once broke his hand punching a team employee in the mouth.
Randy Smith: The career leader in games played, points, assists, steals, fouls, and shots missed for the Clippers, Smith played nine seasons for the franchise, beginning in its Buffalo years.  Weirdly, he was a competent NBA player as well.  One that other franchises may have actually wanted on their rosters.  Randy Smith was a good NBA player that played for the Clippers for a significant amount of time.  Think about that for a second.  On the flip side, Randy Smith is no question the saddest franchise points leader of any NBA team.  His only competition for that title is Buck Williams, who once scored 31 points in a game and immediately vaulted to the top of the list in Nets history.
Michael Olowokandi: Tehe.
Elton Brand: Brand represents the rare player that was good for the Clippers, left for another team, and immediately got worse.  He may be the only example of a player who did worse outside of the Clippers organization than within it.  Is this because he got lazy once he got paid $15 million a year?  Did his legs just give out?  Or was he kidnapped and replaced by Dan Aykroyd to see if Aykroyd could become an effective NBA post with the right environment?  The answer may be lost to time.
Not an action shot: he is perfectly still here.
Chris Kaman: Kaman once had his own fishing television show.  He was also a basketball player and unfrozen Neanderthal.
Loy Vaught: THE JOKE’S ON YOU DID YOU THINK I WOULD FORGET LOY VAUGHT?  Vaught never did anything noteworthy but play for the Clippers, though he did managed to average a double-double twice.  Outside of that, he remains the greatest “Loy” in NBA history.  Loy, of course, being an honorary title bestowed upon those landowning, voting members of the Althing.


[1] Only if your hand is the size of exactly one Bob McAdoo.

1 comment:

  1. This must be a list of pre Steve Ballmer Clippers. Otherwise DeAndre Jordan and Chris Paul are noteworthy. Jordan holds the NBA record for most emojis send in a 24 hr period. Chris Paul is a State Farm salesman who has been trapped in the Clippers locker for years.

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