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| This man is gainfully employed. |
Few can resist the allure of professional football, thanks in large part to fantasy football. In fact, a compelling argument could be made that fantasy football is the primary factor that has allowed the NFL to become an economic powerhouse while seemingly having no idea how a business is run. This isn't what we are here to talk about though. You know that, didn't you read the syllabus? Not my fault, I sent it out to everyone. Next time prepare before you come to these blog posts.
No, today we are talking about the Seattle Seahawks, a group of people collectively referred to as a "team" that is paid a living wage to play the game of football in front of large swaths of drunk, fat men. The Seahawks have had a lot of success the last few years, what with their Super Bowl victory two seasons ago and their Super Bowl victwhoopsitsapass last season. A team that has performed at such a high level can usually be assumed to succeed both offensively and defensively, with a collection of astounding talent all across the roster.
This is incorrect for the Seahawks. The Seahawks play defense, and also sometimes they score points somehow (no thanks to their receiving corps). Unfortunately for you, this is the time we talk about the less good yet somehow more fun portion of the Seahawks: their offense.
Much has changed this offseason for the Seahawks offense. Gone is Max Unger, the one offensive lineman who assuredly knew what the job of an offensive lineman was. In his place is "Drew Nowak," a football player. Nowak has bounced around from practice squad to practice squad since graduating from Western Michigan (a college!) in 2011. This makes him at least as qualified to protect the quarterback as his counterparts along the offensive line, none of whom are good. There's J.R. Sweezy, a man whose name may be the coolest in the league yet somehow became an offensive lineman's rather than a rock star's or a 1980s buddy cop character's. There's Garry Gilliam, a second-year undrafted tackle who is not Terry Gilliam and once caught a touchdown pass from Jon Ryan in what was the most hilarious scoring combination ever to happen.
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| LOL wut |
Justin Britt returns after being alright last year to be alright in a different place, as he has slid inside to guard from right tackle. And finally, there's Russell Okung, who will play at a Pro Bowl level until inevitably grinding his ACL into a fine powder in the third game of the season. Russell Okung's life is Percy Harvin's 2013 season. He has never played a full season in the NFL, nor will he. Russell Okung snaps his thumb off and has to have it amputated when he tries to play Madden.
Now that all this talk of offensive linemen has gotten you hot and bothered, let's talk about the single most boring person to have ever played professional sports: Russell Wilson. One would think Wilson was a robot designed only to pitch products to easily-offended consumers if not for the fact that no robot could be that efficient. Wilson has never said a single interesting thing in his life. The man likes Entourage uninronically, yet insists on only discussing how great Gatorade is or how home insurance can make your dreams come true. No one can hate Russell Wilson because Russell Wilson is not a person. I am convinced that the real Wilson was just a college senior who recorded several hours worth of commercials before Pete Carroll ate his heart to maintain his youthful vigor. Since then, Jon Ryan has been playing quarterback and has had his vocal chords replaced by a tape recording of these commercials.
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| All-Pro |
There has been a lot of talk this year about Wilson getting the reigns of the offense and being allowed to really let loose, which seems like an out-and-out lie. The Seahawks run the ball, and they do it well, Wilson included. Wilson led all quarterbacks in rushing yards last year with 849. Not only that, but he threw 20 TDs to just 7 interceptions, numbers Michael Vick only ever dreamed about. He's shown himself to be one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL even while serving as the second fiddle on his offense, which has worked out just fine. Wilson is not Aaron Rodgers, nor will he ever be, but 3,500 passing yards a year with startling efficiency is all he needs to do to keep the Seahawks rolling.
Marshawn Lynch is why Wilson doesn't need to do much else. You may have heard of Marshawn Lynch before, be it from his Skittles endorsements or his video gaming with the world's most annoying frat bro or his murdering of an entire football team. He has been a startling success since joining the Seahawks in a hilariously lopsided trade (Lynch to Seattle, a fourth- and fifth-round pick to the Bills): Lynch has double digit touchdowns every full season with Seattle, as well as at least 1200 yards a season. Lynch runs with power rarely seen from fully grown grizzly bears. Everyone in the entire league knows Lynch is going to get the ball, yet he has averaged over 4 YPC every year for the Seahawks, clocking in at 4.7 last year in a season in which people thought Christine Michael was going to start taking over the workload. Never forget.
The third highlight of the Seahawks offense is Jimmy Graham, who was last seen being made fun of by his now teammates for being soft and not that good. Yes, if ever there was a team that could shut down the "tight end", it was the Seahawks. Graham must be overjoyed to not have to play against them anymore, that's for sure.
When not playing the Seahawks, Graham is actually good. Like, very good. Among the best, really. Graham has over 900 yards in three of the last four seasons, failing to reach that mark last year with a paltry 889. Keep in mind, the last Seahawk to break the 900-yard barrier was arguably the greatest Seahawk of all: TJ Houshmandzadeh in 2009. So even if Graham is his worst self, he's a receiving weapon the Seahawks have not had in recent memory.
Of course, the receiving corps beyond Graham is...it's not good, guys. Doug Baldwin is an NFL receiver, but probably should be the third or fourth option on a team. After him? Jermaine Kearse, Tyler Lockett, and Chris Matthews. Those are not good players. Kearse can run very fast in a straight line, which every so often ends up being pretty important. Tyler Lockett is this year's annual rookie-we're-going-to-hype-but-is-terrible, joining a long line of irrationally enthused performers (bring back Deon Butler and Kevin Norwood!). Chris Matthews led the team in receiving in the Super Bowl but still doesn't have a regular season catch to his name. No matter what optimism can be found among these names, this is not a good group of receivers.
Basically the Seahawks offense boils down to three things: Marshawn Lynch running, Russell Wilson running, and Russell Wilson throwing to Jimmy Graham. Considering the elite talent of all three of those players, that's not a bad offense, all in all. Lest we forget, the Patriots have built an elite offense for the better part of a decade with a superstar QB, a superstar TE, and just a little bit of severe cheating. There is a recipe for success for the Seahawks. It just involves very few players and will mean seeing a lot more depressing failures whenever the team is forced to do something like try to involve Ricardo Lockette. The Seahawks will be great once again, but most due to the other side of the ball.
"Lynch runs with power rarely seen from fully grown grizzly bears."
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line by far.
To be fair, they don't watch a lot of football, so they haven't seen much at all.
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