Basketball: An Introduction
Basketball. Long
considered our national pastime, it has become more than just a sport to most
of America. Indeed, it has come a long
way from its humble beginnings as a way to satiate the bloodlust inherent in
those over 6’5” by allowing them to take it out on a ball that looked
suspiciously like the head of a Indiana vampire. Nowadays, basketball is used for any number
of things in our nation. From proving
who can jump the highest to giving Greg Ostertag a stage to be laughed at by
the general populace, basketball has truly sunk its spindly, lecherous claws
into our collective consciousness.
Unfortunately, basketball’s place in our society as the only
acceptable way to wear sleeveless shirts and goggles at the same time (one OR
the other is still a faux pas in many states) has left many of our youth
without an understanding of just where it all began. Our poor, poor youth. So disheveled, so concerned with their
skateboarding and hip-hopping and rainbow-partying. When will they think of our future? As the great philosopher Hedo Turkoglu once
said: “Ball.”
And truly, he was right.
For the children of America know next to nothing about the tumultuous
history of basketball in the United States and Canada[1]. Go outside, right now, and take a look at the
state of our country. Better yet, send
your infrequently-used talk show sidekick out to do so. Ask a few simple basketball questions[2]
and be prepared to be shocked by just how far behind the rest of the world
America has fallen.
1.
Who invented basketball?
2.
Who are the only two professional basketball
players to score 100 points in a game?
3.
What is it called when a player makes a basket
and is fouled?
4.
Where do babies come from?
5.
Seriously, you don’t even know who invented
basketball?
 |
| No, now you're just being racist. |
Answers: Dr. James Basketball of Basketballtown, Indiana,
Wilt Chamberlain and Godzilla, King of Monsters, an “And-One”, Shawn Kemp, and
I know right? Kids these days.
As I’m sure you can see[3],
we live in a society with little regard for the trials and tribulations their
forefathers had to go through to create our modern utopia. Public schools no longer teach basketball
history and few if any Christian churches recognize Jesus Christ for his
fundamentally sound jump shooting.
In short, the entirety of American, nay, human society is on
the precipice of crumbling thanks almost exclusively to the collective lack of
respect for our basketball history.
Without acknowledging those pioneers that came before us, we are sure to
fall to the apes, who will then fall to Charlton Heston, who will in turn fall
to those weird physic people that have been living underground in caves or
whatever. I don’t know, I didn’t really
like that series of films that much. You
know why? Because I was busy learning
about basketball while everyone else was analyzing Planet of the Apes’ story structure. How ironic that those very same apes, who
even know are mastering the art of the pick and roll, will be your very
downfall. I bet you wish you had
listened to me now when you read my advice several sentences ago.
Fuck you, reader.
 |
| This is the future you created. |
BASICS
To understand the text that is to follow, it is important to
first explain some of the basics of basketball.
I do not delude myself into believing that everyone that reads this book
will already know in-depth how basketball works. Indeed, many years from now, this book will
probably be the ape’s first contact with the sport. As our new overlords, I welcome the
opportunity to further their culture and let them correct the mistakes of our
disgusting race.
Basketball relies heavily on statistical analysis,
especially in print form. Most scouts
agree that it is almost impossible for the “eye test” to be of much use when
reading about players, and so this book will deal almost exclusively in stats
and other supported, fact-checkable facts. If you wish to fact-check any of the
information contained within this book, please use this book as your primary
source. You’ll find that everything is
100% accurate and that you have been denied the Kingdom of Heaven for doubting
so. I hope it was worth it.
PPG- points per
game, which you should really be able to figure out on your own. Similar abbreviations include RPG (rebounds),
APG (assists), SPG (steals), BPG (blocks), KFCDDPG (KFC Double Downs), TOPG
(turnoves), TOPG (timeouts), TOPG (Terrell Owenses), and 3PTPG (unknown, but
possibly a mystical incantation used in conjunction with the shimmy shake for
the summoning of Antoine Walker).
A/TO- The
assist-to-turnover ratio denotes how many assists a player averages for each
turnover. This is generally used to show
how bad Allen Iverson was, with the accompanying denial of the fact that the
76ers started at least one Cabbage Patch Kid for most of his career.
FG%- Indicates
what percent of field goals attempt a player makes. This category is usually dominated by big men
and NFL kickers.
FDR%- A measure
of what percentage of a player matches up with Franklin Delano Roosevelt. This is based mostly on personality,
leadership, and paralysis of the limbs.
The all-time leader in this category is Robert Horry, who purposefully
broke his spine in 2002 to better inspire his teammates.
TS%- True
shooting percentage takes into account the weighted value of the three-pointer,
as well as free throws. Using this stat
will make you sound cool and convince people that you know more than them.
PER- Player
efficiency rating. This collective stat
is designed to give a baseline to compare players, with the average player
having a PER of roughly 15. However,
PER’s weighting of rebounding often makes big men seem more valuable. As anyone who has ever seen a basketball game
can attest, having someone who is 7-feet tall and can rebound but otherwise has
an identical skillset and output as a 6-foot player is not in any way an
advantage and should not be treated as such.
When making your rec league team (or, if you are James Dolan, your rec
league-caliber NBA team), make sure to take this into account and only field
players under 6’3”.
Reb%- Shows the
percentage of total rebounds available that a player collects. Also can be broken down into DReb% and OReb%
if you’re just looking for how comical Moses Malone’s skillset was. This stat helps to weed out the real
rebounders from those stealing easy rebounds from their teammates or uncontested
rebounds. This is to say, this stat
weeds out the real rebounders from David Lee.
It is also a good way to throw a bunch of numbers at someone to convince
them that Tom Chambers playing center wasn’t hilarious.
NASA- The
National Aeronautics and Space Agency.
Responsible for making contact with the planet Lovetron (see Chocolate
Thunder), as well as any number of non-basketball related scientific
discoveries. Also created the hoverboard
technology time-traveler David Thompson stole from Marty McFly.
Next time on basketball and also on writing in this space: The creation of the sport of basketball but not of writing.
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