The greatest sporting event of the year is here! The NFL Draft begins tonight! Hope springs anew amongst all fans. Yes, it is truly the best weekend of the NFL calendar starting today. That is, the best weekend excluding any of the weekends with games and, more importantly, all the weekends without games in which we don't have to pretend we're not ok with rooting for spousal abusers to run for 100 yards a game.
By now, there have been more than enough mock drafts written. Every expert has weighed in and, by now, everyone knows exactly what will happen in the first round. Therein lies the problem, however. The first round is all taken care of, but nobody pays attention to all our favorite rounds! Anyone can say that Buccaneers should draft Jameis Winston or JaMarcus Russell or Ki-Jana Carter, all can't miss NFL superstars. It takes a real expert to know what will happen in the draft's final round. That's when all the players we truly care about are drafted anyway. Marques Colston, Trumaine McBride, DeVon Harrison, and Scott Mruczkowski are all pillars of our NFL fandom and only one of them is a made-up name. That's why Unique Sports Theme Name is committed to giving you the most comprehensive, most accurate Round 7 Mock Draft that has ever been written. Be wary, as the revelation that we can see the future can be rough for some.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Keith Mumphery, WR
Mumphery was a solid third wide receiver in college but may not bring much to the NFL level outside of work ethic and blocking. For a seventh round pick, he's well worth the pick.
New England Patriots- Jovan Santos-Knox, LB
It's always tough to know how a player will translate from a second-tier program like UMass to the NFL. Santos-Knox has a tough road to travel for a chance at the NFL, but brings a strong pedigree.
Jacksonville Jaguars- Touki Toussaint, RHP
Toussaint has flashed a strong fastball for a high school prospect and has seen a lot of development in his breaking ball this season. He's a big injury risk though, even for a high school pitcher.
Oakland Raiders- Brendan Burke, G
The real question here is whether Burke's success is of his own accord or just because of the talent around him. Burke hasn't had to make many tough saves so far in his career and is already overage for his draft class.
Washington Racial Slurs- Andrew Jackson, POTUS
Jackson is a character issue of the highest degree, having repeatedly murdered the native peoples as he climbed his way to the top of the ladder. The results speak for themselves, however, if only Jackson can focus on football.
New York Jets- Boeing 787 Dreamliner, A Plane
Seems like a tailor-made pick, considering the Jets' needs and name, but Boeing has been known to go off the board before.
New York Jets- Jon Bon Jovi, Bon Jovi
He'll write them a passable playoff anthem the next time they make it there, at least.
Atlanta Falcons- Captain Falcon, F-Zero
He telegraphs most of his routes by yelling out "CAPTAINNNNNNN curl route in!" and other such exclamations, but is way better than Link or Kirby.
New York Giants- Jusuf Nurkic, C
Nurkic is the son of a 7-foot, 400-lb Bosnian riot cop and would be a joy to watch in a sport that actually encourages him to push his elbow through his opponent's throat.
Los Angeles Rams of St. Louis- Greg, That Guy You Played Frisbee with Once
Greg did a great job that one time he came out and played, he was real fast. He couldn't catch much, but if only we could get him to come out again. What a chill dude.
Minnesota Vikings- Egil Skallagrimsson, Norseman
He's tops on this list and that seems good enough.
Cleveland Browns- Bill Veeck, GM
If there's anyone that can do better than a team named the Browns and a plain orange football helmet logo/uniform, it's the guy behind these.
New Orleans Saints- The Player Best at Football, Any Position
It may be crazy, but this seems like a good place to just draft whomever is best at playing organized football.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Mr. Fantastic, Scientist
This guy can stretch his body to any length, which can definitely be helpful in football. Has a solid family upbringing as well, though his propensity for dangerous risks resulting in solar radiation mutations could be a bit much.
Minnesota Vikings- Definitely Not Adrian Peterson, RB
They can't possibly still have that guy on their roster, right? There's no way.
Kansas City Chiefs- Don't Care.
Someone out there probably cares what the Chiefs do. I do not.
Buffalo Bill- Jame Gumb, Serial Killer
On second thought, maybe having a murderer on your roster is a bad idea.
Houston Texans- JJ Watt, DE
There is a chance that if the Texans drafted JJ Watt, he would invent safe human cloning and create a second him. In the seventh round, that's a chance worth taking.
Dallas Mavericks- Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, SF
He and Richard Jefferson and share the small forward slot and convince everyone they are father and son, which would be an incredible con to pull off.
Philadelphia Eagles- Somebody From Oregon, Oregonian
So Chip Kelly can keep going on and on about sports science and his college program and how anyone can plug in and play blah blah blah you're terrible at your job, Chip Kelly.
Cincinnati Bengals- The Seattle Seahawks, All Positions
Are you allowed to draft an entire other NFL team? The Bengals would be at a real advantage if that's possible.
Pittsburgh Penguins- Nobody Cares Anymore
Good god, are you still reading this? Go outside, it's a wonderful day.
Detroit Tigers- Cuba Gooding, Jr.
He was in a sports movie.
Arizona Cardinals- Tom Cruise
He was in Top Gun.
Carolina Hurricanes- That Kid Bullying Shawn Marion
That's some impressive gall you got there, kid.
Oklahoma State Cowboys- Why are there so many picks in the seventh round gaaaaahhhh how do GMs do this!?
Indianapolis 500- Footballs
A team always needs more footballs. For practices, for autographs, whatever.
James and the New York Giant's Peach- Remember this movie? Hell, remember this book? Damn, read a book once in awhile. You disgust me.
Franciscan Monks- Get those monks that fight a bunch of people in Mortal Kombat. Like Liu Kang and all them. Kung Lao, he's got that hat, you know?
Green Bay Packers- Oh hey, forgot they were a team. Get some earlier draft picks, Packers.
Seattle Seahawks- Somebody You've Never Heard of Who Immediately Becomes an All-Pro Player and/or Tharold Simon, CB Probably
That name tho.
Atlanta's Ted Turner- Michael Vick from Madden 04
He was actually this good, I think.
Denver Broncos- Nope.
Denvnerd Broncnos- Nope.
A Wild Bronco- Nope.
True American Patriots- Tom Brady, Dah Best Quarterback of All Times Boston Fah Evah Chowdah Bloop Blorp Fuck You.
San Francisco 49ers- Just pretend this is the last pick, please. You won't check, anyway.
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