We here at Unique Sports Theme Name strive to give our readers only the best or, barring that, the published. Sports lists are an under-served market on the intrawebs, unless you count Bleacher Report, in which case you are an idiot who may not actually know what sports are or how to read. We also realize that Seattlites like you (editor's note: if you are a reader not from Seattle, you are of no use to us) want content tailored to what you know. That's why we bring you, today, the most important list that has ever been listed: the top nine Mariners position players who are starters. There's sure to be a lot of debate about just who should be on this list, who has really earned the right to be called a starter (by virtue of starting).
A brief bit of housekeeping: all statistics used in this article are up to date as of this article's publishing. Starters were determined based on whether or not the player was a starter or not. Edgar Martinez was removed from consideration because oh my God he's been retired for 11 years, get over yourselves.
Top Catcher- Mike Zunino
Surely a controversial choice, considering Jesus Sucre's strong start to the season (2 games played, 0-for-3). Even so, we here are USTN are sticking with Zunino, who's come out on fire this season and continues to be paid to be a baseball player. The young stud is sure to blossom this season into a three-year vet instead of the paltry two-year vet he was before this year. Look for Zunino to record several hits this year and maybe, just maybe, a walk.
Top First Baseman- Logan Morrison
Good Ol' LoMo continues his reign of not being Justin Smoak with another year as the top first baseman on the Mariners. Morrison has shown a lot of versatility this year, moving around defensively from first base to first base to, on one occasion, first base. Morrison set a career-high last season with 5 stolen bases and is already well on his way to matching that this season with 1.
The rest of the USTN staff insist that Robinson Cano is a player on the Mariners, but I'm not so sure. First off, his first name is Robinson? That is a last name, your story is full of holes. Plus everyone says he's a second baseman, but I seem to recall him playing shortstop (for one inning in 2013). Long story short, Robinson Cano probably isn't real. Best guess: Cano is actually two Willie Bloomquists on top of one another.
Seager's spot as the top third baseman has been in question for years now, as the young North Carolina native has missed 12 games in the last three years. If he can solve that stamina bug and play over 162 games this year, possibly by assuming an alter ego (is Robinson Cano available?) and also playing third base for another team, then he will cement his place here. One time I saw him awkwardly get passed over when going for a high five, so he really is an everyman.
Top Shortstop- Brad Miller
Brad Miller wears stirrups and therefore is a time traveler from the 1975 Oakland Athletics. Don't think we don't see through your charade, Miller.
Top Leftfielder- Dustin Ackley
Ackley has one major hurdle to overcome in his pursuit of being a leftfielder: that beard. Ackley's beard has been slowly consuming him over the last three years, feasting upon his delicious face-flesh as it readies to leave its cocoon and become a beautiful beard butterfly. If Ackley isn't careful in his defensive routes, he will almost certainly be devoured whole during a flyball pursuit this season. I don't know if it's an E-7 or a triple when the fielder dies during the play.
Top Centerfielder- Austin "Action" Jackson
Austin Jackson was a celebrated Detroit centerfielder before he was traded because of a flyball he caught from a corrupt businessman Peter Dellaplane's son. The fallout over the catch caused the collapse of Jackson's marriage and put the hometown hero at odds with the public. After discovering a string of murdered trade union leaders connected to Dellaplane's company with the help of lounge singer Sydney Ash (played by Vanity), Jackson confronts Dellaplane at his mansion. A firefight ensues, with Jackson coming out victorious after revealing Dellaplane's treachery and gunning down the villain. Jackson and Ash decide they're perfect for each other and kiss as the season fades to black.
Top Rightfielder- Seth Smith
The biggest hurdle to Smith maintaining this position is that he looks like a 45-year-old high school biology teacher. This look is only cemented by the fact that Smith insists on wearing padded blazers while in the outfield. Regardless, Smith has a great shot at keeping the job as long as he keeps hitting singles randomly and getting totally forgotten by everyone. It's totally possible that Smith has been starting in right field for decades but just hadn't been noticed until this year.
Nelson Cruz led the league in home runs last year and looks well on his way to do the same this year, which is truly an impressive feat. No other player is anywhere close to the 150 home runs Cruz has already hit this season. Even more impressive is the way he's hit those home runs: Cruz's average home run distance this season is 162 million miles, though many statisticians have argued that number would be higher if Venus would just stop getting in the way. Cruz should have no trouble holding this spot all season long, as he is 15-feet tall and has already killed four challengers with his laser vision.
One of your stats is wrong. Cruz has 149 home runs. If you are going to post stuff to the internet make sure it is accurate.
ReplyDeleteI was including his home run from yesterday, I'm a precog.
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