Take a breath. We all know how strange those two statements are, but they are indisputably fact. Gone are the days of Kobe and Shaq, though Kobe remains hilariously certain that he is that good. Gone is Lamar Odom, who used to destroy just about everything before succumbing to the dangers of lots and lots of Hershey's kisses. Gone is Pau Gasol, who thankfully gets to contribute to a team worth watching (until Tom Thibodeau plays him 85 minutes one night and he dies on the spot).
Instead, we have a roster of forgotten partial icons and players that may all be just one guy wearing different jerseys (look at Xavier Henry, Jordan Clarkson, and Wesley Johnson. Tell me they are not a progression of Wes animorph-ing into Henry). That doesn't mean there's on reason to pay attention to them, though! They're still on national TV 26 times this season, so you'll be forced to watch them instead of say, the Milwaukee Bucks or some other team that doesn't make you cry. Yes, we live in a bizarro world where the Lakers are bad and the Clippers are good. The Lakers are the Jamie Lee Curtis to the Clippers' Lindsey Lohan, and we've all been Freaky Friday'd.
Kobe Bryant
The man, the myth, the expensive beef: Kobe Bean Bryant is alive and well. Kobe has also reverted to the good ol' days, when he'd be damned if he was going to give Smush Parker any touches. Right now, his usage percentage is at 36%, which would be the sixth-highest in NBA history and 3% of his own NBA record. As the NBA has aged and shifted toward a three-point heavy league, Kobe has bucked the trend: he's shooting 27% from deep, a positively Josh Smithian percentage, despite taking five per game (a brief reminder here that Kobe is averaging 22 shots per game). In short, Kobe is a relic of a bygone era of NBA basketball, when teams relied on one guy to win possessions out of iso after iso after iso, all ending in drives and mid-range jumpers. Daryl Morey would immolate himself immediately if he had to have Kobe on his team. As a viewer, however, we all get to enjoy watching Kobe occasionally go off and score 40, not to mention the far more often times when he goes off and scores 25 on 30 shots.
Jeremy Lin
I can't decide if it's better or worse that Jeremy Lin did not flame out after his insane beginnings in New York but instead became a perfectly mediocre point guard. It's just a boring end result, really. Everyone that thought he'd flame out was wrong, sort of, as flame outs don't keep starting for four years and continually average double figures. Everyone that thought he'd be a superstar was wrong, because superstars don't play for the Lakers (this zing brought to you by Dwight Howard). Lin is a 12 and 5 guy, fine at everything that had always been his strengths and still bad at all the things people thought he'd be awful at. Lin can't play defense, Lin needs the ball too much (a particular sin when playing with Kobe), and Lin can't really shoot from deep (34% this year and for his career). What he can do is drive, praise Jesus just enough to make things awkward, and make you just confident enough that you have a point guard on your roster that won't muck things up.
Carlos Boozer
AND ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never seen Carlos Boozer take a non-jumpshot that didn't end with him screaming "And One" loud enough that Mehmet Okur must have gone deaf in 2004. Jeff Van Gundy has to pause his rants about charge circles destroying America every time Boozer drives, lest he be drowned out. It's just marvelous to watch. Boozer has also become one of the most entertaining defensive players in the league. This is not to say he is good at defense, as he is anything but. Instead, Boozer has devolved to the point that he seems to believe that jumping jacks are the default defensive position and should be utilized as much as possible. This man must have dominated middle school calisthenics. Also, sometimes he paints his hair on yet somehow thinks nobody notices.
Robert Sacre
Every Robert Sacre tribute is devoted to nothing but his celebrations. Can you imagine how happy he must be on Christmas? His wife probably has to hide in the other room when she's opening gifts, lest she gets gunned down by an errant finger pistol. Sacre is also Canadian and was part of the Gonzaga roster that included 15,000 Canucks (this may need to be fact-checked). Forget Andrew Wiggins, the Canadian basketball revolution starts here.
Swaggy P
Nick Young is everything a basketball player should be and I love him. Everything I do I do for you. The theme from "The Bodyguard" plays whenever I watch him play.
Jordan Hill
Jordan Hill is a hairstyle innovator. Jordan Hill also happens to play basketball, and pretty well at that. Seldom has a top 10 draft pick been given up on as quickly as Hill, who was drafted by the Knicks for 500-year-old Tracy McGrady (amongst other machinations, the Rockets were involved after all). At that point, everyone decided to just forget he existed: Hill played 15 minutes a game from that point on for four years, eventually bouncing on over to the Lakers. As a full-time starter last year, Hill still only averaged 20 minutes a game. At this point, it's important to remember that sometimes Per 36 stats are actually really helpful at projecting a player. Hill's career Per 36? 15/11/1 with 1.5 blocks. Hill's stats this year, playing 31 a game? 16/11/2 and 1.1 blocks per game. Jordan Hill is actually really good! The Knicks: great at drafting, as long as they trade the guy.
Jordan Hill is a hairstyle innovator. Jordan Hill also happens to play basketball, and pretty well at that. Seldom has a top 10 draft pick been given up on as quickly as Hill, who was drafted by the Knicks for 500-year-old Tracy McGrady (amongst other machinations, the Rockets were involved after all). At that point, everyone decided to just forget he existed: Hill played 15 minutes a game from that point on for four years, eventually bouncing on over to the Lakers. As a full-time starter last year, Hill still only averaged 20 minutes a game. At this point, it's important to remember that sometimes Per 36 stats are actually really helpful at projecting a player. Hill's career Per 36? 15/11/1 with 1.5 blocks. Hill's stats this year, playing 31 a game? 16/11/2 and 1.1 blocks per game. Jordan Hill is actually really good! The Knicks: great at drafting, as long as they trade the guy.
Ed Davis
Speaking of Per 36 darlings: Ed Davis! Ed Davis is a study, along with fellow UNC alum John Henson, in how long a person's arms can be before they gain sentience (on a side note: one can only hope that Henson and Giannis Antetokounmpo spend all day in practice just holding OJ Mayo's belongings above their heads, giggling). Davis is one of those weirdly underrated guys in the NBA, to the point that doubt creeps in about whether or not he's really as good as you think. Somebody has to recognize his value, right? Then why is he making under a million a year? Maybe you're not qualified to be a NBA GM after all, random reader (if you are Isiah Thomas: you should already know this). Davis is a 12/10 Per 36 guy and has averaged a block a game every year but one despite playing 20 minutes per game in his career. Ed Davis is the kind of guy I would make sure to add to my hypothetical NBA team, only to be confused as to why my team isn't actually as good as the stats say they should be.
Ryan Kelly
If you do a Google image search for Ryan Kelly, only two of the top 25 results are of the professional basketball player. Ryan Kelly managed to go to Duke for four years and spend his rookie year as a part-time starter for the Los Angeles Lakers and even Google doesn't believe he really exists.
Speaking of Per 36 darlings: Ed Davis! Ed Davis is a study, along with fellow UNC alum John Henson, in how long a person's arms can be before they gain sentience (on a side note: one can only hope that Henson and Giannis Antetokounmpo spend all day in practice just holding OJ Mayo's belongings above their heads, giggling). Davis is one of those weirdly underrated guys in the NBA, to the point that doubt creeps in about whether or not he's really as good as you think. Somebody has to recognize his value, right? Then why is he making under a million a year? Maybe you're not qualified to be a NBA GM after all, random reader (if you are Isiah Thomas: you should already know this). Davis is a 12/10 Per 36 guy and has averaged a block a game every year but one despite playing 20 minutes per game in his career. Ed Davis is the kind of guy I would make sure to add to my hypothetical NBA team, only to be confused as to why my team isn't actually as good as the stats say they should be.
Ryan Kelly
If you do a Google image search for Ryan Kelly, only two of the top 25 results are of the professional basketball player. Ryan Kelly managed to go to Duke for four years and spend his rookie year as a part-time starter for the Los Angeles Lakers and even Google doesn't believe he really exists.
Wayne Ellington
Wayne Ellington looked like he had carved a role out for himself as Memphis' long-lost perimeter shooter that they'd always desperately needed before being tossed aside in a salary dump. Soon thereafter, the Grizzlies realized that hey, if they were going to salary dump they might as well do it right, trading Rudy Gay and getting to be the first team to experience the inevitable post-Rudy Gay trade boost. Now Ellington gets to play 17 minutes a game on the Los Angeles Lakers, backing up Kobe Bryant. The difference between Kobe and Ellington has to be absolutely confusing to the rest of the Lakers. The majority of the time they're just standing around waiting for Kobe to do whatever Kobe feels like doing that possession. All of a sudden, there's Ellington sitting down and waiting for a corner three, as if anyone else on the Lakers knows how to create. The Lakers, everyone!
Hopefully, this has all won you over to the idea that, yes, every team has some chance in the NBA and no, the Lakers don't just get any player they wanted. That is, unless you believe that the Lakers truly wanted nothing more than Carlos Boozer this past offseason. We can all hope this is true. The world is a better place with hilarious inept teams and the Knicks are all the way over in the Eastern Conference. The Lakers are everything you want in a hilarious team, after all. Their coach, Byron Scott (he of 775 career threes), refuses to let anyone shoot three-pointers despite the fact that they are clearly part of the NBA. They have forced Kobe Bryant, a man who really isn't as selfish as he's been made out to be in his career, to be peak year Allen Iverson in terms of usage (as you may recall, peak year AI was hilarious). So watch the Lakers: they're everything you want basketball not to be!
Wayne Ellington looked like he had carved a role out for himself as Memphis' long-lost perimeter shooter that they'd always desperately needed before being tossed aside in a salary dump. Soon thereafter, the Grizzlies realized that hey, if they were going to salary dump they might as well do it right, trading Rudy Gay and getting to be the first team to experience the inevitable post-Rudy Gay trade boost. Now Ellington gets to play 17 minutes a game on the Los Angeles Lakers, backing up Kobe Bryant. The difference between Kobe and Ellington has to be absolutely confusing to the rest of the Lakers. The majority of the time they're just standing around waiting for Kobe to do whatever Kobe feels like doing that possession. All of a sudden, there's Ellington sitting down and waiting for a corner three, as if anyone else on the Lakers knows how to create. The Lakers, everyone!
Hopefully, this has all won you over to the idea that, yes, every team has some chance in the NBA and no, the Lakers don't just get any player they wanted. That is, unless you believe that the Lakers truly wanted nothing more than Carlos Boozer this past offseason. We can all hope this is true. The world is a better place with hilarious inept teams and the Knicks are all the way over in the Eastern Conference. The Lakers are everything you want in a hilarious team, after all. Their coach, Byron Scott (he of 775 career threes), refuses to let anyone shoot three-pointers despite the fact that they are clearly part of the NBA. They have forced Kobe Bryant, a man who really isn't as selfish as he's been made out to be in his career, to be peak year Allen Iverson in terms of usage (as you may recall, peak year AI was hilarious). So watch the Lakers: they're everything you want basketball not to be!
Have you read the recent ESPN the Mag article about the dis-fuctionality that Kobe brings to LA? They resigned him to yet another massive extension simply to avoid the drama of letting him walk. It is sad that he has such a threatening/powerful presence in LA that he can single handedly bring down a once great franchise by being unwilling/unable to see his own decline and devaluation. It is also sad that a player that was once so great and dominate at his sport is tarnishing his legacy so much.
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