The NBA may not have the severe brain injuries that we all love most about the NFL, but it does have the interchangeable, forgettable players! Remember Joe Jurevicius? Of course you don't, and for good reason. Well fear not, intrepid NFL fans, for the NBA has its own Joe Jureviciuses. It is practically overflowing with them! While we all might know the big names like Dirk, Melo, and the marketing robot that calls itself Kevin Durant, the lesser names in the NBA may have fallen by the wayside in our sporting minds.
Today, we remedy that. Today, we take a look at the players that don't make the NBA exciting so much as they make the NBA a league with rosters of the requisite size. There is no team better to begin with than the Philadelphia 76ers. The 76ers are, by all NBA rules, an official NBA team with players and everything. Why, you might ask? That's an excellent question. Perhaps the other NBA teams like knowing that no matter what they do, they will not be the worst team in the league. Perhaps the creators of Sporcle just wanted to increase the difficulty of their NBA quizzes. Perhaps Sam Hinkie really doesn't know anything about basketball and is just picking names out of a hat.
The 76ers are in the midst of the purest, greatest tank ever accomplished by a professional sports team. So obvious are their intentions that the NBA tried to change their draft lottery rules to make it harder for the worst teams to get any better. That's right, NBA owners were so annoyed with how bad the 76ers are that they tried to make things even easier for the Lakers, Knicks, and other such rich franchises. To be fair, the Lakers and Knicks have been trying to make it harder for themselves for years on end now, it seems, which is very generous of them.
Looking at the 76ers roster might intimidate you. It's true, you really haven't heard of any of these players and no, it doesn't make you any worse as a sports fan. Let me help you. It will be ok. If you need cheering up, just remember that a particularly good performance at your local YMCA may earn you a contract from Philadelphia.
Brandon Davies
You might remember Brandon Davies as the Scottie Pippen to Jimmer Fredette's Michael Jordan at BYU a few years ago. More likely, you remember Davies as the guy that got suspended for half a year for having consensual sex with his long-time girlfriend while at BYU. This is a good anecdote to drop when you're watching a 76ers game and have to prove that you're a true sports fan. That is the extent of Brandon Davies' purpose to both fans and the Philadelphia 76ers.
Alexey Shved
Shved had a brief period in his rookie year with the Timberwolves where people believed he would be a useful NBA player. He was even starting games while look exactly as stupid as he does above! Everyone then realized that Shved takes 5.6 threes per 36 minutes in his career and is a 29% career shooter from there. Congratulations to Alexey Shved, a man who manages to make his career 40% 2PT field goal percentage look like a major improvement upon something.
Jason Richardson
Jason Richardson is Dan Aykroyd's long-lost son from Coneheads.
Nerlens Noel
Sometimes, you just get forgotten. Nerlens Noel made the unfortunate decision to be the man that filled Anthony Davis' shoes at Kentucky right after Davis had completed a season in which he blocked every single shot taken by an SEC team. Noel then was drafted by the 76ers and sat out the entire year with an injury. He's back now! Nobody's quite sure what he'll end up being, but it'll certainly be something that involves him blocking shots. Noel blocked 4.4 shots per game in his one season at Kentucky and has eight in his first four NBA games, one of which was this, a block so impressive that James Harden's beard turned upside down and migrated to the top of Noel's head.
Chris Johnson
No, not that one. Not even that one. There is another Chris Johnson who is, ostensibly, a professional athlete. Remember when Dayton was ok and made the NCAA tournament and everyone realized that hey, their best player isn't actually any good or really at all impressive? Chris Johnson!
Henry Sims
In his rookie year, Henry Sims averaged 29 points and 14 rebounds per 36 minutes. Henry Sims played five minutes his rookie year. In fact, before coming to Philadelphia, Henry Sims played 173 minutes in 22 games. Once he was traded to the 76ers from Cleveland, he was immediately entrenched as their starting center.
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
While in college, Mbah a Moute was one of two Cameroonian princes on the UCLA roster. I don't really know how this is possible, but it is awesome. During one game against Gonzaga, Mbah a Moute, a defensive stopper who still hasn't developed the ability to do anything else, was matched up with Pierre-Marie Altidore-Cespedes in what was truly the greatest sporting moment I have ever witnessed. Mbah a Moute also always looks this happy. Perhaps because this man with career averages of 6 PPG and 4 RPG (to go with 26 made threes in seven years) has his own website, which prominently features a picture of him in a Timberwolves jersey. Philadelphia players think wistfully of the days when they got to play for the Minnesota Timberwolves.
Tony Wroten
Seattle's finest! Besides all the other players from Seattle who are, you know, good. I want to assure you that the picture above is not of Wroten saving the ball from going out of bounds. Rather, this is generally how Wroten passes the ball. A lot of players have been called "out of control" before. Tony Wroten does not understand the concept of control whatsoever. Look at this: look at how Wroten's entire body shudders when he has to slow down at all. He has no idea what to do. The idea that perhaps there is a place for something other than sprinting at full speed at all times in a basketball game escapes Wroten entirely. This cannot possibly be true. Tony Wroten would win MVP if the NBA just stopped bothering to count turnovers or field goal percentage.
Hollis Thompson
Of the three current NBA players to play for Georgetown in 2010, Philadelphia has two of them on their roster. Those two, Thompson and Sims, have combined for 880 points in their career, or 200 less than Greg Monroe, the third, scored in 66 games his second year in the NBA. Hollis Thompson has, oddly enough, scored more per game in the NBA this year (9.3 PPG) than he did in the D-League (8.1 PPG). This is all the evidence I need to say with certainty that if Pierre Jackson hadn't gotten hurt this year he would be averaging over 30 PPG.
Malcolm Thomas
Malcolm Thomas is in the NBA and is a real person. I swear it.
Michael Carter-Williams
Hey look, someone with an NBA accolade! Carter-Williams was the starting point guard from day one last year and ended up the NBA Rookie of the Year. He ended his first NBA game with 22 points, seven rebounds, 12 assists, and nine steals, which is absolutely insane. Certainly, Carter-Williams benefited from playing tons of minutes for a team that ran the ball like no other (mostly because what's the worst that could happen, a turnover? Like that wasn't going to happen anyway), a line of 17/6/6/2 as a rookie is nothing to laugh at. A one-assist, seven-turnover game is something to laugh at, and so we can all laugh at Carter-Williams still.
Wow, Jason Richardson is still in the NBA.
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